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tags: Kinderen/jongeren en scheiding, Tips en adviezen

Vijf tips aan jongeren wanneer je ouders gaan scheiden

In een eerdere blog vertelde Karin (35) hoe zij de feestdagen in december ervaart sinds haar ouders zijn gescheiden. De ouders van Karin gingen na een jarenlang huwelijk uit elkaar toen Karin negentien was. Dit keer geeft zij vanuit haar eigen ervaring tips aan jongeren waarvan de ouders gaan of zijn gescheiden.

Je ouders zijn ook na hun scheiding verantwoordelijk voor hun eigen zaken

Toen mijn ouders uit elkaar gingen, moest er veel worden geregeld. Het huis moest worden verkocht, er moesten spullen worden verdeeld en nog belangrijker; de echtscheiding moest worden geregeld. Mijn vader had het in de periode dat mijn moeder vertrok, zo moeilijk dat hij weinig energie voor alle regelzaken had. Ik voelde me hier verantwoordelijk voor en probeerde hem zoveel mogelijk werk uit handen te nemen. Ik pakte dozen in en belde met instanties. Door met praktische zaken bezig te zijn, hoefde ik niet na te denken. Achteraf had ik gewild dat iemand mij hierin had afgeremd. Ik heb geleerd dat ik de taken die mijn ouders destijds zelf moesten doen, niet van hen kon overnemen. Je ouders zijn hier zelf verantwoordelijk voor!

Probeer de ruzie voor je ouders niet op te lossen

Nadat mijn moeder had verteld dat ze wilde scheiden, heb ik de eerste tijd geprobeerd de ruzie voor hen op te lossen. Misschien kon ik wel iets betekenen of kon relatietherapie helpen. Ik probeerde ze samen om de tafel te krijgen. Iets wat niet lukte en waar ik alleen maar verdrietig van werd. Je kunt de ruzie tussen je ouders niet oplossen; zij hebben ruzie met elkaar en je hiermee bemoeien heeft geen zin.

Wees niet het contactpersoon voor je ouders

Omdat mijn ouders toen ze gingen scheiden geen woord met elkaar konden wisselen, gebeurde het al snel dat ik hun tussenpersoon werd. Ik bracht berichten van de een naar de ander over. Wanneer mijn moeder vroeg hoe het in ons ouderlijk huis ging, bracht ik haar een keurig verslag uit. Als mijn vader wilde weten hoe het mijn moeder ging, dan vertelde ik dat aan hem. Stop hiermee! Je ouders zijn volwassen mensen en moeten dit zelf doen.

Geef je grenzen aan

Al heel snel nadat mijn moeder besloot  te willen scheiden, gebeurde het dat mijn moeder negatief over mijn vader ging praten. Ik hoorde haar verhalen aan. Soms probeerde ik het voor mijn vader op te nemen en soms beaamde ik wat mijn moeder zei. Achteraf weet ik dat mijn ouders mij hier niet mee hadden mogen belasten. Als kind kan en hoef je geen partij tussen je ouders te kiezen.

Cijfer jezelf niet weg

Wanneer je ouders gaan scheiden, lijken ze door hun boosheid en verdriet je soms te vergeten. In de periode dat mijn ouders gingen scheiden, had ik de neiging mezelf weg te cijferen. Het laatste wat ik wilde, was mijn ouders ook nog eens belasten met mijn eigen verdriet. Ook hier geldt: niet doen! Juist in deze tijd moeten je ouders aandacht hebben voor hoe het met je gaat en wat er in je omgaat. Vertel aan ze hoe je je voelt en wat je dwarszit. Probeer wanneer dat niet lukt iemand anders in vertrouwen te nemen. Misschien is er een familielid of goede vriendin bij wie je je verhaal kwijt kunt. Een gesprek kan je helpen om alles op een rijtje te zetten en langzaam te verwerken wat er allemaal is gebeurd.

Tot slot: praat erover!

Wanneer je ouders gaan scheiden, is dat niet niks. Zonder dat je het wilt, verandert er veel. Vertel aan je ouders hoe je voelt. Als je het gevoel hebt dat je niet bij je ouders terecht kunt, probeer dan iemand anders in vertrouwen te nemen. Misschien is dat een bekende maar misschien wil je liever praten met iemand die hetzelfde heeft meegemaakt. In de provincie Groningen wordt bij Elker KIES aangeboden. Hier kan je samen met andere kinderen praten, waarvan de ouders ook gescheiden zijn. Kijk voor meer informatie op onderstaande website.

De nieuwste blogs en nieuwsartikelen als eerste in uw mailbox?

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